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How to Initiate Sex With a Partner: The Dos and Don’ts of Asking for Sex

  • Sep.27.2021
  • 4min
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how to initiate sex

Sex! Most people want it, and not everyone is having it as much as they might wish they were. People who are in relationships are a lot more likely to be getting it regularly than those who are single, but sometimes even in the best relationship, sex can fall to the wayside.

Depending on your relationship, sex may be a really important key to intimacy and love. For some couples, it can be a metric for measuring how well everything is going in the relationship and in both partners’ lives. Sometimes people get busy, especially when children, pets, and jobs are involved.

How to Initiate Sex

But if you want to make time for this truly rewarding and human experience with your partner, you might want some tips on how to initiate sex. If you find that the idea of sex always comes from one partner, whether it’s you or your lover, it might be in your best interest to explore changing that. Some of us are shy, or have difficulty thinking of creative ways to initiate love making. When the first thing that comes to mind seems too overwhelming or vulnerable, there might be something a little more subtle or simple that could do the trick.

Ideally, you would be in a place with your partner where straight up asking would be a functional way to go about getting things going, but this isn’t always the case.

Whether you want a touch more romance, you’re shy in a new relationship, or you know your partner might be tired, busy, or stressed out, you might want some tips on figuring out the best way to initiate sex with your partner.

Who Should Initiate Sex?

ways to initiate sex

Initiating sex in marriage, in a serious relationship or a summer fling shouldn’t be left to one person. Everyone likes to feel sexy and wanted, regardless of gender roles or old-fashioned concepts of sex. Heterosexual couples are more likely to struggle with issues around the question “Should women initiate sex?”.

In most experts’ opinions, there should be around an equal amount of initiation from both members of a couple, and any discrepancy in that can be discussed in an open and honest conversation. Some people in couples have certain expectations about who should initiate that their partner might not understand or know about, which is why communication is really important in any healthy relationship. It can feel awkward to have a frank conversation about sex, but it can make such a beneficial difference in your relationship and your sex life. It’s a win overall.

Ways to Initiate Sex

Here are some clever ways to ask for sex that might help you get something steamy started with your partner.

Just Ask

As awkward as you might think it could be, asking your partner directly “Wanna have sex?” can actually really do the trick. It might not be flashy, fancy, Uber romantic or super suave, but depending on your intonation and relationship with your partner, it could be the obvious initiation that is needed at the moment.

Consent is obviously crucial to any sexual interaction, no matter if you’re having a one-night stand or you’ve been married for forty years. Asking and getting a yes or no response is a clear way to get consent or to understand that it’s not going to happen at this time. Always make sure that you’re asking at an appropriate time.

For instance, if you’ve just met the person and you’re having a nice conversation on a first date, you might not want to drop that bomb out of nowhere. Asking too early on can really put someone off. If you ask when your partner is extremely busy, telling you about their day or experiencing something sad or unpleasant, odds are they’re not going to be really interested in your asking them to have sex.

Ask when you and your partner have a spare moment, and you feel that the timing is right. If you don’t like the idea of asking “Do you want to have sex?” you could also ask something along the lines of, “I’m going to hop in the shower, do you want to join me?” or “Can I make you feel good?”.

Depending on your relationship with your partner, the power of suggestion might be a little more likely to put them in the mood. You could also say something like “I want you so bad right now” or “I can’t stop thinking about that thing you did in bed last week, I want to do it again right now.” Personalize what you ask your partner, so they know that you’re not just looking to get off, but rather you’re turned on by them specifically, which is what’s making you interested in sex.

Use Physical Cues

best way to start sex

For many people who feel a little bit too timid or uncomfortable about straight-up asking for sex, the best way to start sex might be simply cuddling. A bit of physical interaction can go a long way, and physical cues from your partner can tell you a lot about what to do as you’re doing it. Start out by giving your partner a hug, making loving eye contact, stroking their back or running your hands through their hair. After this, you should be able to read some cues from your partner about how they’re liking this physical touch. If your partner seems put out or unresponsive, it might not be a good time for them to have sex.

You could instead ask them about their day and check in with them about how they are. If they’re responding to your touch and reciprocating or pulling you closer, you can see how they respond to some kissing and maybe moving your hand around the erogenous zones very slowly. They have time to move your hand or let you know they’re not feeling it.

Hopefully, if they’re into it, they might kiss you tenderly and give you physical and/or verbal cues that they’re enjoying what’s going on and wanting to take things further. Make sure that you go into this situation with empathy and attention.

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